my security

i don't know about you, but this is what keeps me feeling safe enough to sleep at night.

went out and shot another roll this morning. shooting ducks in the rain with a dog and only a 60mm lens isn't the easiest thing. next time i'll 86 the dog, get a 70-300mm zoom telephoto, go when it's not raining, and take more bread. i also noticed that the male ducks cared more about the one female than the bread... maybe i'll take a female decoy.

no more seeds

finally got out and shot some photos today. i need to get 2 rolls developed. one of jeni's engagement party and my guitars, and one of flowers and blue. yes, i said it, he finally let me take his picture again. he's still scared of my digital camera, but didn't seem to have a problem with my nikon. this is good. so until i get those shots back, enjoy a few from my digital.

1981

one sexy guy back in 1981. i think this is the hat my parents told me was my favorite that blew off when i was riding on the back of my dad's bike. man i was one fat redhead. my grandfather sent this one to me. it's like the 200th one that he's scanned. my dad's been scanning his parents' old photos, so i guess it's the retired guy thing to do. oh yeah, since i'm talking family, my brother's followed in my dorkiness with his own site. www.justindean.net

be positive

had another long day of classes, then went to the middle school for what we'll call tutoring orientation. i'm excited to get to work with the kids, and the money ($25 for an hour and 15 minutes of work) is a huge plus. one of the teachers who's going to be working with us kind of frustrated me though. i totally understand where she's coming from, saying kids like to run over college students because they think they're young and will be fun and let them get away with stuff. but come on lady, give us the benefit of the doubt, we're friggin' education majors. i guess i just get bothered by people underestimating my capabilities in general. i can't imagine what it's like to be a kid with a disability. i should stop whining, 'cause i'm sure they have people telling them all the time that they're aren't expected to succeed.

i'm reading this article about positive reinforcement and praising kids, and all i can think about is the kids that i've worked with. i've been so tempted to tell teachers to make an effort to praise the kids in every possible instance. it's natural for teachers to only correct what the kids are doing wrong or fuss at them for something, because that's a lot easier to do than intervene positively and with patience. no kid will try if all they hear about is what they're doing wrong. it drives me crazy. you're there to teach them, not dehumanize them. use whatever reinforcement it takes to get them to learn! the natural reinforcers obviously aren't there, so you've got to push them now and gradually let the natural ones kick in.

there's so much about public schools that i want to change, want to fix. i hope i never lose this fire. if i do, i think i'll quit.

reflection

this one's from last year, but it's on of my favorites. that's ben harper and willie nelson. i'm gonna try to get out and shoot again soon. maybe take some bread down to walter b to get some shots of the ducks and geese.

grammy play by play

(aka the longest post ever)

opening... interesting. the end kind of exploded like a train wreck instead
of fireworks. who wrote queen latifah's jokes? did she write them herself,
'cause they're about as predictable as a lifetime movie. (or so i've heard.)

best pop vocal performance. maroon 5 should win it. out of nowhere los
lonely boys win it. and like i suspected, an arrest for marijuana possession
didn't slow the drummer down. they look like los high boys tonight. spent a
little too much time with willy nelson, huh?

and to think i've heard this alicia keys song too much in the past...

jamie foxx has got a great falsetto, but that mike tyson tatoo on the back of
his head kinda ruins it...

r&b vocal. i guess brian mcknight 'cause he's old. prince?!? crap, i'm 0 for
2.

only u2 would sing a song nobody knows at the grammys...

best rock album? i'm going with green day, but it better not be elvis
costello... yay, i got one right! 1 for 3. call it a comeback!

best new artist... anybody but kanye's cocky butt. sweet! maroon 5, i never
woulda guessed it, but they deserved something tonight. aw, look at kanye
congratulating them after calling gretchen wilson's win at the ama's bs. i
wonder if this is gonna be like india (dot) arie where you get all these noms
and don't win any awards. it would serve you right you cocky prick. to think
i bought your album... oh yeah, i never would have guessed maroon 5 would win,
so i'm 1 for 4. have they really only given out 4 awards in an hour and a
half?

lol, quentin tarantino. i want him to introduce my band when i'm famous.
greed day... i wonder if the blue part of the flag is supposed to go on the
left side when you hang a green flag like that one,

i'm betting alicia keys wins the r&b album. whoohoo! prince didn't win again!
i'm 2 for 5. she's a lot hotter with her hair like that instead of in corn
rows.

janis joplin tribute coming up... didn't she die over 30 years ago? oh wait,
they're doing a biopic about her, right? we'll see.

i've got to get some homework done...

the staples sisters or something? i always thought a guy sang this song.
she's got the deepest voice i think i've ever heard on a woman. it's deeper
than john legend's. that's the worst stage name i've ever heard. about as
bad as alicia keys. no offense staples lady, but your voice needs Jesus.
that's one long winded blind boy from alabama. where's ben harper? lol, this
guy in the "old" congregation's lance armstrong bracelet sticks out like a...
well, bright yellow bracelet.

best rap album... jay-z. crap, kanye friggin' won one. don't they know jay's
retiring? what's up with his hair? oh crap, he's getting inspirational. and
he finishes it by being a prick (Vulgar Slang. A person regarded as highly
unpleasant, especially a male.) "everybody wanted to know what i'd do if i
didn't win. i guess we'll never know." idiot. i'm 2 for 6.

how old's joss stone? like 16? and her boyfriend is like 30?

holy cow melissa ethridge is bald! g.i. jane done got old and got a bird beak
nose. why are they trying to sing like janis joplin? i guess i do that with
dave and john mayer songs. ok, i guess it's hard to sing a song without
sounding like you're trying to sing like the artist. i feel like an idiot
because i forgot she has breast cancer. i'm so sorry. i'll wear a pink
bracelet if somebody gets me one. yeah right, like anyone's read this far.

apparently there are red bracelets for republicans and blue ones for democrats
now. that's so similar to supporting cancer!

tim mcgraw looks high too. are all the country folks getting high together?
matthew mcconaughey doesn't look high though. i guess they wouldn't let him
around the bongos.

amy lee could be so cute if she didn't try to be so... not. i'm voting on the
coal miner's daughter for country album. sweet! loretta lynn. maybe jack
white is the genius everyone says he is. that or he's got us all fooled,
which i guess is genius in itself. at least she's really country. geez he
needs to shave that moustache. she's so country, wow.

whoa, john mayer's not with his trusty bass player. where's da-la? it's good
for him to show his guitar skills, cause most folks don't know hot phenomenal
of a guitar player he is. sorry dude, that jacket is gay. are your initials
on the pocket? l.m. pressley looks old.

the killers the killers the killers! crap, u2. a friggin' song that goes
"one, two, three, fourteen" won a friggin' grammy. don't cuss bono! don't
cuss, they'll fine you again. am i 2 for 7? i lost count.

norah jones is so hot. brian wilson! i'm so glad he got out of bed. (not just the barenaked ladies' song, he was for real in bed with depression.) amazingly scott weiland doesn't look high. good for him!

song of the year... lol, stevie wonder acted like he was gonna read it. i was
guessing john mayer, just didn't type it fast enough. that's good, he
deserves it, but why don't they ever pick the songs of his that i would
expect. that's 3 for 8.

usher... what can i say? seems like his star is shining and won't dim for a
while. i need to learn his hat tricks. ho yeah, say it loud i'm black and
i'm proud. i was on james brown blvd 2 weeks ago.

dang, sheryl crow's wearing like, the big lance armstrong bracelet as a dress.

record of the year... dark horse is ray charles, but i'm betting on usher
cause the song never went away. shoulda guessed they'd give it to ray
charles. norah jones is so hot. i guess a song doesn't have to be heard to
win a grammy. wow, they cut them off with music. shut that music up and let
his manager talk. that's what i thought! "humbly we accept the grammy,
sincerely we say thanks." i like that. i like it a lot.

how much did don cornelius pay for his date tonight? wow.

i haven't gotten any homework done since 8.

oh no, the president of the academy. don't talk about downloading. good, tsunami is acceptible, whining isn't. doh, he said "own" the music.

ablum of the year... i'm betting on kanye, but again, ray charles is the wild card. have they really only given out 9 awards so far? haha, there was an ad for boll weevil pesticide... tell me that was just for the macon market and not national. ray charles wins... i'm not really surprised, they're making up for not rewarding him enough when he was alive. i finshed 3 for 10. glad i didn't bet money on it, like it was a basketball pool or something.

yet again, the grammys are out of touch with what both critics and pop culture think. alright kanye, have you learned from your ama mistakes? keep your friggin' mouth shut tonight.

void

i sit here writing this on a sunday morning. i don't remember the last time i went to church. i don't remember the last time i got in the word. i don't remember the last time i prayed more than 3 lines before falling asleep. school's put me in survival mode. i do the things that i have to do, (assignments, going to placement, going to class) but everything else falls off my plate. blue's bored out of his mind because i've been sick and haven't felt like taking him to the park. my power bill will probably be outrageous this month because all i've felt like doing is sitting in front of that stupid tv.

i'm not hopeless cause i know that i'll pull out of this. well, i know that God can pull me out of this. okay, i know that God will pull me out of this. it's just hard to find motivation sometimes i guess. i've been telling myself for weeks that i need to just get off my lazy butt and do something about it, but that's the thing about laziness, it's a habit, a disease. maybe i do have an addictive personality after all... naw, it's just time to indulge in something new: life.

turning around a train

i'm still not well, but maybe it's the feeling bad that brings out my artistic side. if i've ever written a song that needs string accompaniment, this is it:

turning around a train

it feels like i'm never gonna change
as much as i hate to admit it
i get stuck in my ways
moments like this when i don't see a way out
i put my hope into the small things
and just ignore my doubts

it feels like it could take a lifetime
but once i get there i'll be fine

it's like i'm turning around a train
but it only goes one way
and i'm pushing against the tracks
i can't let go
i can't turn back

not long ago i put my hand to the plow
i strapped in for committment
and there was no way out
but lately i've felt so ashamed
i've lost all i once held sacred
and i'm the one to blame

it feels like a wasted lifetime
but once again i will be fine

Bohemia

i've been sick and haven't updated in a while, so i decided to look back over some stuff i wrote when i used livejournal. this one was posted on 3/9/04

I have this incredible fantasy of a bohemian lifestyle. It's all merely fantasy. There's too much at stake. Family to keep from letting down. Societal norms. Joni Mitchell captures it in "Urge For Going." At least she leaves it open enough for interpretation for me to believe in it and put my emotion fully into. I haven't met a girl that does it for me in so long. I need a nerd, someone with passion, someone who holds my interest. That all sounds selfish, so she should be interested in me. Even more selfish? No. If she's interested in me then her interests are the ones being fulfilled. I want to go to Bohemia. Not the real place, but that fictional Shangri-La where hippies, gypsies, and artists are happy. Minus the smell.

blue bit me

blue did not want to go "to bed" tonight after i walked him, so when i reached under my jacked up bed to pull him out, he showed his teeth and nipped at my hand. i lowered my voice, told him no, and tried again. he got more aggressive. i grabbed him by the back legs and he kept trying to get at my hand, so i pulled him out and held him. he refused to look at me, and i had to turn his head towards my face. he still wouldn't look at me and turned his eyes as far from me as possible.



i pet him a lot then said, "okay blue, go to bed." he ran into the living room to his little hiding spot in the end table. again, i reached for his collar and got nipped. i reached around behind him and pulled him out. applied behavior analysis is telling me i have to make him get into his crate while loving owner is telling me he's really upset and i should comfort him. finally i outwitted his herding instinct and he reluctantly went to bed. i gave him a treat and then told him "okay" meaning he can come out. i petted him some more, he finally licked my face, and then it was back in the crate.



how hard is it to convince the dominant dog of the litter that you're boss? i haven't quite figured that out yet, but when i do, he's going to be an even more amazing dog.



why do they grow up so fast?

i did a little growing today

today started out fairly normally, dr. j got mad at us for not reading our textbook. then we went on a field trip in my intellectual disabilities class. we went to central state hospital (yes, the infamous insane asylum) to their education and work activities center (ewac) and a nursing home for patients with mental retardation and more serious health concerns. ewac was fun, it was a little bit of a stretch for me cause i'm a lot better with kids than adults, but they were all so friendly. this one guy walked around our group shaking everyone's hand about 5 times. they were all in love with the ladies in our group, and who wouldn't be?!? (i know that i am.) we got to see the work that they do there (such as stuffing green scrubbing sponges into the cardboard sleeves and untangling and wrapping old wires). the nursing home was more of a stretch. feeding tubes and tracheotomies aren't the most pleasant things to see. what made the visits worse was that it had to have been at least 80 degrees in there. our last stop was the baldwin service center where we got to hear about all the stuff GC&SU students do there. we went into this trippy sensory room with black lights and fiber optics and chill music. we went out back and got to talk to a lot of them, which was rough at first but got a lot easier when you actually make an attempt. isn't that what life's about? being nervous about something until you try it, when you find out it's not so bad after all. i did a little growing today.

good ol' blue...

so blue was really happy to see me yesterday. he gave me a facial then played frisbee with me without leaving my parents' yard. he was acting strangely calm and sleeping more than usual, so i thought (think) he might be sick.



i took him for a walk today to the end of the road and back. when i got back to my parents' driveway, i took him off the leash and he walked right up to the house with me. we played ball until he got tired, then i put the leash back on him and led him inside. i was feeling pretty confident in the way he was acting (it's always the times i believe he will behave when he doesn't), so when i took him out at about 5 tonight, i just carried a leash in my pocket to bring him back in with. as soon as i opened the door, a deer darted through the yard into the woods with blue right on its white tail. i called and called and called and got no response, so i walked down towards the creek. blue came running to me, stopped about 20 feet from me, and then as if to laugh in my face darted off again.



i didn't follow him and hoped he'd come back when he saw i wasn't chasing him. after a few minutes i got my mom to call him. (mom always has treats, so he usually comes.) no response. i decided i'd get in my car and drive around to the neighborhood that's across the creek to look for him. when i got into my car i noticed i had 8 missed calls and one voicemail. it was a lady telling me that they had blue in their backyard. i called her back, got the address, and drove across the creek with eric. when i got there, i found a young married couple in their backyard grilling. with them were a golden retriever and a border collie chasing each other. she said he came up to their gate and whimpered to get in and play, so she let him in, stopping to check his tags and get my phone number i guess.



i love my dog. he's so sweet and friendly with tons of personality, but he ain't got no home training. i think i'm going to spend my tax refund on this intense 2 week residential program just outside of athens. they guarantee results, and that's what i need. especially with camp approaching quickly. i have to have him trained by then, there's no way i can keep him on a leash the whole time, and i can't have him jumping on kids. it was cool when he weighed 8 pounds, not now that he's 35.

i'm coming blue!

had a good night last night. didn't go out as originally planned, but i still had a lot of fun. kristina and i went and saw jessica and hudson for a few minutes before coming back here and doing exciting things like watching whose line. the laurens and their friend kathy (? i'm terrible with names, i called her becky and that wasn't it) came over and left a trail of mud through my living room. lots o' laughing ensued. when they left kristina and i had a pretty dang deep conversation before we realized it was after 1 and i should probably take her home so we could get some sleep. woke up at 8 and feel kinda weird, i hope i'm not getting sick. going to putnam today with lyndsay to see our kids then i get to see my 9 month old puppy! i'm so excited!



this is probably the last of the ice pictures, until the next storm anyway.

haunted tree

i was in a conversation recently about addictive personalities. i don't think i have one. i think i have an impulsive one. i get an urge for something, dive into it, indulge, and then let it go. it's in everything i do, whether it be a crush, a bad habit, a creative outlet... i guess i just like variety in my life. the only long term things with me are special ed and my dog. i gave him to my brother last wednesday to go to the conference with the option to leave him there for a longer term, but i can't do it. i'm going to bring him back to milledgeville this weekend.

frozen fish