put me in coach

suh-wing batta, batta, batta

found a roll of film from the end of last school year and got it developed. here's the first shot i liked off of it. i just got 7 rolls developed, and i'm getting better so there were a ton of pictures that i loved on them, so expect a lot of picture posts in the next few weeks.

long day of reading

so i've been reading philip yancey's reaching for the invisible God. i'm about 1/3 of the way through, and all he's talked about is doubt. basically he's taken every common conception and cliche about the evangelical protestant way of doing things and shattered it. parts that stick out to me are him talking about things you hear people say all the time like "God told me to say..." usually being a lie, and all the testimonies of successes that the church stresses. a lot of the time the church is so "feel-good" that people who are hurting and confused feel like there is something wrong with them because the struggles are not addressed.

he talks about all of the christian writers who have expressed their doubts openly and sheds light on the "spiritual propaganda" which disappoints so many when they don't see the promises come to fruition. all of the heroes in the bible went through periods of great drought and even suffering before they had their epiphanies. a friend of mine recommended this book to me because of how my life's been the past year, and the fact that the areas he addresses fit my way of thinking (my favorite book in the bible is ecclesiastes). i like to challenge things to see and understand what i really believe, and a lot of times i'm so cynical and critical that i can find holes in anything, often including my own ideas and beliefs.

i wish people in the church who are guilty of alienating themselves from strguggling believers (shoot, everyone's struggling, i guess what i'm getting at is people who think there's something wrong with them because of their struggles and doubts) with their pride and churchspeak could read this and see that we need to make the church experience more real. i wish that nonbelievers and those who have lost their faith in God could read this so that it would shatter any misconceptions that they have about God. all too often people are turned off by the thought of christianity because of the hypocrisy that they see in the church. they're turned off by hardships and they say "if there was a God, he wouldn't have let this happen." whenever people asked Jesus why such horrible things had happened to people, rather than give them reasons behind it, he said, let's see how the Father can use this for his own good. not that God caused it, but he will always use it for his good.

what this book has said so far is, it's okay to doubt, and you're going to have droughts, even really long ones at times.

to those who are turned off because of the people they see in church i say this: don't look at all the misfits, but look toward the Savior. He's the only perfect one, and his grace is sufficient for all those hypocrites and for you.

i feel like this is too scattered to make sense. if it is, i'm sorry. i'll try to explain it better if you ask me.

good long day

woke up and took my brother to walmart (where i dropped off 7 rolls of film) so he could get an rf modulator so he and his friends can play their video games in the hotel this week. i took him to church so that he could go to a really good youth rally in birmingham. from there i headed downtown to get my oil changed, tires rotated, and i got lunch at the grill. (no trip to athens is complete without eating at the grill, peking, and locos.) when i got my car back i drove out to visit a kid who i met through camp. talked to him for a while, played his guitar, talked to his brother about him trying to go to tech next year. when i found out he's really good at math and programs computer games in his free time, i told him he'd be fine there.

after spending about 30 minutes there, i drove out to the mall to return a gift i didn't want, and used the sears gift card to buy a 3 piece pliers set. (that's right, bought craftsman tools in my cowboy boots. i might actually start believing this "manly" facade.) then i exchanged an old navy fleece for 2 polo shirts. from there i went to see tj and terrance who i also know through camp. i was pleased to regift some items my brother and i had gotten that we didn't really need, but these guys could definitely use. the 3 of us went to see dick and jane, but since it didn't start for an hour and a half, we went to target so i could use my gift cards. i bought matisyahu "live at stubbs," john mayer trio "try," jamie cullum "catching tales," and death cab for cutie "plans." i had picked up o.a.r.'s new one and office space (it was $10 and that's a classic, even if i've seen it 10 time already) until i saw the ipod accessories section where i got an fm transmitter instead of the cd and dvd.

i wasn't very impressed with dick and jane. perhaps if i had gone into it thinking "this movie is a satire about all the big companies that went bankrupt recently" i might have gotten more out of it, but i thought it was pretty horrible. tj and terrance enjoyed it, so mission accomplished.

talked to julia and lindsey from camp today. looks like i'll eat lunch with jules on friday and then hang out with lindsey some point that day as well. she invited me to spend new years with her and her family (her dad and stepmom own my camp) on the lake, which i just might do. it's not like i have any better plans

now i'll relax with a dvd or some cds. probably cds and a book. yeah, that sounds like a winner.

18 minutes of christmas

i've still got time to get my "merry christmas" post in! drove to austell to spend today with my mom's side of the family. among the high pitched toddler screams and card playing, we got in a dvd slideshow covering my grandparents' 50 (very soon anyway) years of marriage. included were pictures of the grandkids (aka: jason always makes goofy faces and had no idea how ugly the clothes he was wearing were) so we all got a good laugh and made fun of each other. as usual i was given too many gifts and i foolishly made the comment "next year i'll finally have money to buy y'all gifts." everyone laughed and said "you'll have income, but you still won't have any money." they're probably right.

all the rumors you've heard are in fact true: jason dean has a pair of cowboy boots. here's me and an afraid-of-eric's-new-camera blue wishing you all a merry christmas.

(happy hanukkah jordan, enjoy the bowling ball.)

my space

reasons why i love myspace:
1. john mayer blogs there and shares demos of songs from 1999 that even he forgot about.
2. getting e-mails like this:

Hi Jason

With all that I am..I will worship You Jesus alone would like to be added to
your Myspace friends list.

By accepting With all that I am..I will worship You Jesus alone as your friend,
you will be able to send With all that I am..I will worship You Jesus alone
personal messages, view With all that I am..I will worship You Jesus alone's
photos and journals, and you will be able to interact with each other's friends
and network!

Click the following link to view With all that I am..I will worship You Jesus
alone's profile and accept or reject this user as your friend:

merry christmas, y'all!

box o' treasures

(don't for a second think i'm organized when you read the following. i was good about filing my bills and important paperwork for about a year.)

so i've been cleaning my apartment all day, and have a lot of credit card, georgia power, compassion international, etc. statements laying around in piles. so i decided to file them and get organized. before i did so, i shredded all the old things. it's funny how credit card statements are like diaries. here are the things that have stuck out to me so far:

1. paperwork for when i got a new pager when my old one quit working. that's right, i had a pager. no i didn't sell drugs.

2. a charge for mellow mushroom. i'm sure mr. henderson is very fond of this trip to mellow mushroom. well, not so much the trip there as what happened afterwards (you'd think i'd realize then that i was lactose intollerant). that and the fact that i broke my peppermint into little pieces on the parking lot asphalt so i wouldn't choke on it. he got a good laugh out of that.

3. the paperwork when i appealed to tech to get back in. the paperwork to change my major for the first time. some old transcripts.

4. an application for vida nueva. i think i was going to sponsor my brother or something.

5. coupons to 6 flags the year i bought a season pass and went twice.

6. my buzz card (tech i.d.) and chattahoochee tech i.d. (wearing my chick-fil-a uniform).

7. copies of the technique with articles that i had written and the editor had ruined. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) i wish i had the originals because i was so mad when she screwed them up. one in particular was too short because they decided to make it the feature, so instead of asking me to write more, she tried to write like me. it didn't even make sense.

other than that i'm realizing that i've accumulated a ton of text books in the last year and a half. we barely cracked most of them. i've kept them for reference once i start teaching... we'll see if i actually use them.

back to my war on clutter, dust, and of course: terror.

tonight's music so far: the muse, my chemical romance, garden state soundtrack, nickel creek... yeah, that random

EDIT (11:16 pm)
i won't have my apt clean by the time i go home. found more interesting stuff though:
the note that erin wrote me on my birthday that said she wanted to get baptized. pretty cool stuff. i think it's the only thing from her that i kept other than pictures.
a.p. scores and the announcement that i was an "a.p. scholar with honor"... a lot of good those classes did me =P

relationship

so i'm reading my friend from tech ben's blog, and it occurs to me that i suck at relationships in general. it's not just girls, as i am perpetually concerned with, but also God. my relationships with other are always better when my relationship with God is better. the particular phrase that stuck out to me in ben's post was "wrestle with knowing Him." i like the idea of that. it's not that God is unapproachable, he's the most approachable person in our life. but at the same time he's God which demands fear and reverence. if we didn't have to work at things, we'd probably lose our interest.

i leave you with this. i always appreciate any wrestling in prayer that you do for me.

You must learn to wrestle against the things that hinder your communication with God, and wrestle in prayer for other people; but to wrestle with God in prayer is unscriptural. If you ever do wrestle with God, you will be crippled for the rest of your life. If you grab hold of God and wrestle with Him, as Jacob did, simply because He is working in a way that doesn’t meet with your approval, you force Him to put you out of joint (see Genesis 32:24-25 ). Don’t become a cripple by wrestling with the ways of God, but be someone who wrestles before God with the things of this world, because "we are more than conquerors through Him . . ." ( Romans 8:37 ).
-My Utmost for His Highest 12/16

bandwagon & more christmas gift ideas

so i finally gave in to conformity and got my myspace page up. it doesn't have any newer songs up yet, and i can't find my cds from my secular recording session, so for now it's 3 christian songs and a really cheesy secular song. i hope secular doesn't carry a negative connotation with you. i use it to mean "not explicitly written about God." there are a lot of things that inspire me to write, whether it be love, frustration, heartbreak, other people, spirituality, whatever. the coolest thing about myspace so far is reading john mayer's blog. he's playing shows at eddie's attic this week. that's gotta be a good feeling for him to go back where he started, just him, an acoustic guitar, and his old bass player and long-time friend.

not that i expect you to, but if you were interested in making me really happy, you could do so by buying me one of the following items. i'm broke due to my own stupidity, fast driving, disorganization, and some things that happened this summer, so little things make me smile.

CDs
(in no particular order, i just type them as they come to me or i see them in the bmg catalog)
1. any nick drake album. sure they'll just depress me more, but he's incredible
2. any jeff buckley album (other than "grace" or "live at sin-e" because i own those).
3. any derek webb album (the songs he wrote for caedmon's call have always been my favorites).
4. the best of shel siverstein (it's a cd, i'd love his books too though)
5. travis "singles" (they were supposed to be the next oasis, coldplay did that instead)
6. jeremy camp "restored"
7. bebo norman "try"
8. john mayer trio "try!"
9. jamie cullum "catching tales"
10. something by rufus wainwright. i don't know his music well enough to pick, so if you do, pick out something good for me. haha, like i'm going to get anything on this list.

now that i feel really selfish for posting that, i'm gonna go shoot some photos of this idea i just got. i'm not much of an artist, so when i get inspired to contrive a photo, it's a rare occasion. then i'm gonna find a use for this new pen that i got in my stocking at grandma's.

potpourri

i have no idea which direction this post is going, so i won't title it until it's over. that's how i write songs anyway. i'll let it write itself.

i'm listening to snow patrol, reading adam duritz's online journal thing, and just thinking in general. a kid i met through camp just called me. he idolizes me and it kind of scares me, but i'm glad i can be there for him. hopefully my small words and prayers can help him turn his life around. he's so simple, so vulnerable, so troubled, so fresh.

the trip to grandma's was fun and it was good to see everyone. duke and blue had a blast running all over the farm collecting sand spurs. (have you seen the disney classic big red? you know the part when they stay up all night cleaning his fur? i felt like that last night.) it's neat to see how my generation is no longer the kids, and now my cousins' kids have taken over as the entertainment. we shot justin's glock and it made me want to hurry up and fix the rear sight on my bersa.

i always cringe when i get a gift that i know i'll never use/wear/like. buying gifts is so difficult in the first place, especially when you only see those people once a year. i guess i'm just really spoiled to either have enough of whatever gift it is or to not have any use for it. i guess it all comes back to the not standing up for myself and not wanting to step on toes. like today, i shot 2 rolls of kelli and her sister kara around campus because their mom wants pictures of them and they were going to just go to the walmart portrait studio. (i cringed at the thought of paying for walmart to take pictures for you too...) they asked me how much i charge and i felt bad asking for money. i always feel bad telling someone how much to pay me. i guess that's why i'll get a government job and complain about being poor for the rest of my life.

as for the issue of understanding my heart and when i'm ever going to commit to anything, i don't have an answer. all i hear is "when the right girl comes around, you'll know." i don't have any other answers so i'll stick with that one. i'm obviously not comfortable getting into something that i'm not absolutely sure about. i've heard that when people with commitment issues finally settle down, it's for good cause they've looked around for so long they know what they want. we'll see. i mean, if jay-o and chaille can both commit to something, why can't i?

maybe i'll start standing up for myself more. i feel like the past year and a half has done so much to change my beliefs. at first my pendulum swung way in the direction of "help everybody, everybody is different, everyone has a valid opinion." now it's swinging to "you need to worry about yourself more, help others as you are able, there are absolute truths and values that should not be compromised no matter what the public opinion polls say or how others perceive your beliefs, don't feel bad about saying 'no' because you have to worry about yourself too." my dad loves to say "look out for number one" and i think it's time i took his advice.

i went to church 2 weeks ago, and the preacher was talking about how important church is. it, along with a lot of other things, has reminded me how much i miss the fellowship i had when i was in atlanta with a strong core of christian friends, and how i made a new core in athens, and how i haven't done that in my 2 and a half years down here. i've started hanging out and jamming with justin and chad more, so maybe that will be what i need it to be. i'm not really sure what my body part is right now, but lately i've been amputated.

i still don't have a clue where i want to live when i graduate. the 3 options i'm considering right now are: nashville, athens, milledgeville. i think in that order too. nashville because i don't want to say "what if?" for the rest of my life when it comes to the songwriting thing. athens because i love that town, family's there, and i love the church. milledgeville because i've grown to like it down here and they're "in desperate need of good teachers" according to a professor.

i need to get 3 rolls of film developed. can't wait to see the results from the kelli/kara shoot when they get those developed. i will shoot many more before the break is over.

my longest posts always end up being the ones i come into not having a clue what i'm going to write about. i'll give this one a jeopardy title, though i hate the smell.

wish list

so this is probably the most selfish post i've ever made, but i don't really expect anyone to buy anything on it, so i figure why not dream a little. these are some things that i'd really like to have within like a year or so, but i realize that i'll probably never have the money to buy. a teacher's salary isn't going to go very far.

1. nikon d70s - it's more expensive than their other digital slrs, but this is a wish list, so i'm dreaming.

2. nikon sb-600 - you might say your camera already has a flash, to which i say, trust me, this would make me happy. (and a lot better pictures).


3. fender amp - i don't really have a clue what kind i want, but it'd be nice to have an amp for my (epiphone) les paul that i never play.


4. italk - would make recording new songs so much easier than setting up my mics and usb recorder. sure the quality would be worse, but that's not the point. every junior in the education program got one this year (along with ipods i might add). all we got was a stinking laptop.

5. roadtrip - fm transmitter and charger for ipod. wouldn't need to carry around cds anymore.


wow... everything i want is electronic. what does that say about me?

now i pack up, clean the apt, and go home for a while. maybe i'll get bored enough to read while i'm there.

post 2 of 2: the not so good news

drove up to watkinsville for my court date for my thanksgiving day speeding ticket. the first 5 cases he hears (if that's what you call sitting in a room with folding tables and plastic chairs) he's really lenient and always says "let me see what i can do for you." he keeps those who committed dui's out of jail time (even a guy with his second dui), reduces the under 21s speeds to where they don't lose their licenses or get points.

so i figure, this is great, i'm glad i drove up here instead of just paying the ticket and not seeing if i could get it reduced in any way. they call the first person who got there once the dui's and under 21s were out of the way, and that's me. so i go up there expecting to hear "let me see what i can do for you." instead i get "you have the option of pleading not guilty, which i don't recommend, or you can plead guilty or no contest." i had him explain no lo to me and decided to just not worry about it, plead guilty, and pay the money. so much for driving up there.

i prayed that God would have his way, so i guess there was a reason behind it all.

post 1 of 2: the good news

i got 4 A's and 1 B this semester which means (drum roll please) it took me 6 years to pull my 0.40 gpa of my first semester at tech up to above a 3.0 (it's 3.02 thank you very much!) i'm pretty thrilled and that makes up for the "not so good news."

518.64 quality points in 171.66 semester hours... by the time i graduate, i'll have gone to school for the equivalent of 12.4 semesters of 15 hours of classes each. if that's not insanity and determination i don't know what is. i'm so thankful to have parents to have put up with (and paid for) the semesters that went well grade wise!

my goal was to graduate with at least a 3.0 and unless something drastic happens, that's gonna happen! whoohooo!

bonus post: married ex

found out an ex got married, and the most bizarre comment you could imagine came from the wedding.

"amanda got married this weekend - somehow [her best friend] and i ended up talking about you and she said 'yeah i hear he never got over her' and i asked what she was talking about and she proceeds to tell me how someone at camp told amanda you still liked her"

if that in itself wasn't funny enough, the preacher called her husband "jason" once.

for anyone who doesn't know amanda's and my history, i'll share it with you on an individual basis. just know that this is very funny and there was more to it that i've omitted because i'm a gentleman.

doing the most good

(this post is certifiably blogworthy according to mr. henderson)

as you may know, mr. henderson and i call each other when we see marquee messages in front of churches that are noteworthy. today's post has to do with a confusion. a confusion similar to one experienced when reading an ex-girlfriend's away message that states "stressed is desserts spelled backwards... think about it." after thinking about it for over a year now, we still don't get it.

today's confusion: the slogan the salvation army has placed on their kettle tripods. "doing the most good." what exactly does that mean? the first assumption is that they are boasting that they do more good than other charitable organizations. but they're a christian organization, so they wouldn't boast, right? so it must mean something else. i honestly can't think of any other meaning, so i'll look at their website and dont' get much. they've got info on divorce, human cloning, and suicide, but nothing to explain their motto. all i see is "Committed to Doing the Most Good with your contributions of money, time, and resources." i'm still stumped... any ideas?

i subbed in my first kindergarten class today. it wasn't as rough as i had expected, but it's definitely a totally different world than i'm used to. i had to change my language, tone, and overall motivation for getting them to learn. it's amazing how much more mature my 2nd graders are compared to these kids. what was also amazing was how well the kindergartners knew their sight words. they can read better than some of my kids, but then again, i guess that's why mine are in special ed. even in kindergarten, i gravitated towards the kids who were having a tougher time. i'm supposed to be in there for the rest of the week, but their teacher came by today and said she might be back thursday. i wouldn't be disappointed if she came back early.

my speeding ticket's only $107 if i don't figure out some way to weasel out of it. (i've only got 1 plan thus far. it involves a cop's neice.) i was expecting it to be much more, so this is a good thing. this month i've thrown away more money in fines and late fees and promotions coming to an end than i could ever imagine. i gotta get on the ball.

i really miss somebody who does much better than i do in a kindergarten setting.

you call this work?

i subbed for my adopted host teacher today. it was the easiest work i've done since after school program. i should have taken a book, because planning is the most boring thing on the planet if you don't have to plan or have any homework to do or have some other student teacher to flirt with. why is subbing so much better than student teaching? oh maybe it's that i can get there later, leave earlier, do less work, and of course: get paid. so it's not much money, but when you're as broke as i am, you don't care. you take what you can get. maybe i'll do some work for my mom this weekend so i can pay all my bills. i'm thinking all this goes back to not getting paid what i was supposed to this summer, because i'm spending a lot less than i usually do... i've only bought like 10 cds this semester.

hung out with whitney pretty much all day yesterday. to answer your question "i don't have a clue." she's pretty cool except for the fact that she's not a fan of blue. how can you not love my dog? =P

going to leah's wedding tomorrow with my mom, and then to see jump (little children) at the morton for an acoustic show. i expect it to be nothing short of amazing. this is their last show in athens, and i think they really mean it this time (as opposed to last time).

oh, and the latest in the marquee ministry message hall of fame is:
THANKSGIVING IS THANKS LIVING
...we don't get it either