potpourri

i have no idea which direction this post is going, so i won't title it until it's over. that's how i write songs anyway. i'll let it write itself.

i'm listening to snow patrol, reading adam duritz's online journal thing, and just thinking in general. a kid i met through camp just called me. he idolizes me and it kind of scares me, but i'm glad i can be there for him. hopefully my small words and prayers can help him turn his life around. he's so simple, so vulnerable, so troubled, so fresh.

the trip to grandma's was fun and it was good to see everyone. duke and blue had a blast running all over the farm collecting sand spurs. (have you seen the disney classic big red? you know the part when they stay up all night cleaning his fur? i felt like that last night.) it's neat to see how my generation is no longer the kids, and now my cousins' kids have taken over as the entertainment. we shot justin's glock and it made me want to hurry up and fix the rear sight on my bersa.

i always cringe when i get a gift that i know i'll never use/wear/like. buying gifts is so difficult in the first place, especially when you only see those people once a year. i guess i'm just really spoiled to either have enough of whatever gift it is or to not have any use for it. i guess it all comes back to the not standing up for myself and not wanting to step on toes. like today, i shot 2 rolls of kelli and her sister kara around campus because their mom wants pictures of them and they were going to just go to the walmart portrait studio. (i cringed at the thought of paying for walmart to take pictures for you too...) they asked me how much i charge and i felt bad asking for money. i always feel bad telling someone how much to pay me. i guess that's why i'll get a government job and complain about being poor for the rest of my life.

as for the issue of understanding my heart and when i'm ever going to commit to anything, i don't have an answer. all i hear is "when the right girl comes around, you'll know." i don't have any other answers so i'll stick with that one. i'm obviously not comfortable getting into something that i'm not absolutely sure about. i've heard that when people with commitment issues finally settle down, it's for good cause they've looked around for so long they know what they want. we'll see. i mean, if jay-o and chaille can both commit to something, why can't i?

maybe i'll start standing up for myself more. i feel like the past year and a half has done so much to change my beliefs. at first my pendulum swung way in the direction of "help everybody, everybody is different, everyone has a valid opinion." now it's swinging to "you need to worry about yourself more, help others as you are able, there are absolute truths and values that should not be compromised no matter what the public opinion polls say or how others perceive your beliefs, don't feel bad about saying 'no' because you have to worry about yourself too." my dad loves to say "look out for number one" and i think it's time i took his advice.

i went to church 2 weeks ago, and the preacher was talking about how important church is. it, along with a lot of other things, has reminded me how much i miss the fellowship i had when i was in atlanta with a strong core of christian friends, and how i made a new core in athens, and how i haven't done that in my 2 and a half years down here. i've started hanging out and jamming with justin and chad more, so maybe that will be what i need it to be. i'm not really sure what my body part is right now, but lately i've been amputated.

i still don't have a clue where i want to live when i graduate. the 3 options i'm considering right now are: nashville, athens, milledgeville. i think in that order too. nashville because i don't want to say "what if?" for the rest of my life when it comes to the songwriting thing. athens because i love that town, family's there, and i love the church. milledgeville because i've grown to like it down here and they're "in desperate need of good teachers" according to a professor.

i need to get 3 rolls of film developed. can't wait to see the results from the kelli/kara shoot when they get those developed. i will shoot many more before the break is over.

my longest posts always end up being the ones i come into not having a clue what i'm going to write about. i'll give this one a jeopardy title, though i hate the smell.