transitions

(i talked to caroline wilson for a few hours tonight, sharing songs i'd written in the past two days and some movie quotes i thought she'd appreciate. she encouraged me to write another philosophical blog entry like i used to. here goes nothing.)

transition. this summer has been a huge time of transition. i went from being a college kid to a college graduate. from a camp counselor to the director. and now i go from living on the support of my parents to supporting myself and being responsible for the education of my students. i'm moving from a poor community to one of affluence in another state. all summer long i've been asking myself when did i grow up?

i always thought when i was 25 i'd feel like an adult. now that i'm closer to 26 i still feel like a terrified little kid. but when i looked at my staff i wondered when i grew up. when did i learn to think about the consequences of actions and avoid a situation i didn't want to put myself in? but at the same time i'm still so immature, so green.

i've been listening to derek webb, reading bebo norman's new myspace bio about his new album, and realizing that i have a growing hunger to be close to God again. i used to be, and to quote nickel creek, "i don't remember one jump or one leap, just quiet steps away from your lead." i'm hoping my transition to nashville becomes that catalyst that i need to change my life.

this transition has also made me want to open up more to people, to quit hiding things i'm ashamed of. i used to be so open with people, and lately i’ve found myself hiding things that i didn’t want them to know. it might not sound like a step in the right direction, but telling my mom i was going downtown for a friend's birthday and that i would be drinking was a big step for me by not only becoming more independent from them, but in opening up and being more vulnerable.

on his live album, the house show, derek webb says that the best thing that could ever happen to us is to have our deepest, darkest, most embarrassing sin broadcast on the 5 o'clock news. there's so much truth in that, and it's so challenging. it's not a matter of being scared of what people would think of us. we have to move past that. God knows what we've done. we can try to hide from our friends and family, but we can't hide from God. we can take these ridiculous fig leaves and try to clothe ourselves, but it's all useless.

so here i am. still growing up. still maturing. and still falling down.